A Critical Review Of All The Great Sex Tapes is a MPGIS App-exclusive blog post by Jonathan Getslinhaumer.
Introduction[]
FILM CLASS FINAL ESSAY
5/22/17
When examining the greatest artistry through the lens of a camera, I ask you this: what is more artistically raw, real, and beautiful than a recorded session in which two lovers become one? I argue, nothing.
Sex tapes are the most underrated form of filmmaking and they deserve way more credit than the bad reputation they have.
Here, I review the five most popular sex tapes of all time using the scores of three different categories to rank their greatness. The three categories are: artistry, effectiveness, and scandal-factor.
#5: Hulk Hogan[]
Hulk Hogan made a sex tape with his best bro's wife. This is one of the greatest sex tapes of all time because first, his friend's name was Bubba the Lovesponge and that's just fucking weird, but it also won him $31 million in court when he sued Gawker because they published it.
Artistry: 3/10[]
The sex tape is shot with what seems to be a home-security camera in the corner of the room. The quality isn't great and the footage is black and white. But some people are into that whole secret voyeurism thing, so Hulk still gets a few points for that.
Effectiveness: 0/10[]
At the end of the sesh, Hulk kisses the woman on the forehead, thanks her, and tells her that she's awesome. Aww. Doesn't get my dick hard though. Also, Hulk uses racial slurs in the video and that is just not okay AT ALL EVER. For those two reasons, Hulk gets a big fat zero.
Scandal Factor: 10/10[]
This sex tape got Gawker.com shut down forever and changed American journalism, like, not in a good way. There's still so much scandal surrounding the tape that Hulk earns himself a perfect score for scandal factor.
Overall Score: 13/30
#4: Paris Hilton[]
Another famous tape that made a rich socialite even richer.
Artistry: 9/10[]
I don't care what anyone says, the night vision filter on this tape and it's subsequent Blair Witch Project feels puts me on edge in the best way. It's true art and it's great.
Effectiveness: 5/10[]
Paris is clearly pretty bored throughout the whole film, but she's still really beautiful and I think the tape really did it's job for many people.
Scandal Factor: 2/10[]
I don't think Paris Hilton really has scandals anymore because that's who she is. She owns her sexuality and say la vee attitude, so I believe this sex tape was a super feminist way for her to remind everyone that she's in control.
Overall Score: 16/30
#3: Colin Farrell[]
Farrell's tape with former playboy model Nicole Narain was leaked in 2006.
Artistry: 4/10[]
The cinematography of Farrell's tape is poor - it's filmed in a dark room with daylight streaming in through a window. The lighting is just all wrong. However, the raw communication Farrell exerts is just beautiful. His realness makes up for the crappy film job.
Effectiveness: 8/10[]
He's hot. I'm into it.
Scandal Factor: 5/10[]
Farrell sued when the tape was leaked, claiming he didn't want his mother to find it and say, "oh [sic], I haven't seen this work of my son's!"
Overall Score: 17/30
#2: Tila Tequila[]
Apparently this girl had a dating show on VH1, but i [sic] just know her from the dozens of sex tapes she has.
Artistry: 9/10[]
Since Tila produces her sex tapes as if they were real porn vids, her lighting and angles are always great. She used her celeb status to break into the porn world, showing she knows what it takes to be an artist in front AND behind the camera.
Effectiveness: 8/10[]
A lot of Tila's videos are with other girls which doesn't do it for me. But I gotta keep it equal and note that for all the people who like that kind of thing, these tapes probably flood their basements. And by basements I mean genitals.
Scandal Factor: 1/10[]
I gave Tila one point because any sex tape or porn video inherently is scandalous. But since she was very open about her sexuality on VH1 (or so I've heard - idk what VH1 is ?? [sic]) it kind of makes sense that she enjoys making videos.
Overall Score: 18/30
#1: Kim K & Ray-J[]
To me, this is the most notorious sex tape of all time.
Artistry: 8/10[]
The at-home feel of Kim-J's sex tape is really well done. It doesn't feel staged and super porn-y and Ray-J has a steady hand with the camera. Good angles and great lighting score a nice 8 points.
Effectiveness: 8/10[]
It didn't take long for me to go from 6 to midnight if you know what I mean. Ray-J has a great looking dick.
Scandal Factor: 3/10[]
It's been 10 years since this tape first aired and by now, no one really cares that it was ever leaked. It skyrocketed Kim's career so there isn't much of a scandal here.
Overall Score: 19/30
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