Cameron, Shay, Jayna, and Mikayla: Hiye!
Jayna: Oh... that's a first. I guess we're early.
Mikayla: Here I am. Finally. The promised land. The 2013 Little Miss Overland Park Pageant. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, Mikayla. The first step on your journey through a lifetime of popularity. Today you win this, then the next thing you know, prom queen! Soon after that, the first female President of the United States.
Shay: You know, Mikayla, Little Miss Overland Park really isn't that big of a deal.
Cameron: Says the one Van Buren who lost Little Miss Overland Park!
Shay: Actually, Cameron, I didn't lose. It just so happened that they canceled the competition that year.
Mikayla: Yeah because of a lice outbreak!
Cameron: That you started, worm!
Mikayla: Need I remind you, that because of you, I had to enter this contest under a pseudonym.
Cameron: Mikayla, what was that pseudonym again?
Mikayla: Mikayla Dickey!
Cameron: Oh right, right. Mikayla Dickey. Now where is the judges table.
Shay: Cameron, why are they letting you be a judge when your sister's in the competition?
Cameron: Um, because Shay, I won this competition when I was in the third grade, and they needed an alumni judge. Besides, my sister isn't in the competition, Mikayla Dickey is. And speaking of Dickey, I'm gonna go see if there is any single dads out there who wouldn't mind abandoning their daughters for a couple rounds of seven minutes in heaven in the wardrobe closet. Biye!
Jayna, Shay, and Mikayla: Biye.
Jayna: Well Mommy's gonna go see if she can't go track down the open bar.
Shay: Mom, there isn't an open bar here.
Jayna: What kind of beauty pageant doesn't have an open bar darling?
Mikayla: One for children.
Jayna: What, Amish children? I remember when I was your age, my mother couldn't get me out of bed without a little sip of the Schnapp's. Well, I'm sure I'll find something! Biye!
Shay and Mikayla: Biye.
Shay: C'mon Mikayla, let's go get started on your makeup and get this over with.
Mikayla: Well, not too much blush!
Shay: Whatever. (they leave)
Mikayla: Here I come world, you better be fucking ready!
(Mrs. Zales is speaking in an Asian dialect on the phone)
Mackenzie: Mom... mom... mom!
Mrs. Zales: What?
Mackenzie: We're here.
Mrs. Zales: Yes, I can see that. I'm on a very important business call with Hong Kong. (on phone) No, no, no, Frank, I'm not gonna get fucked in the ass on this one. You're not my husband and it's not Christmas morning!
Mackenzie: Momma! Katelynn right's here! Do you want to not talk like that in front of a seven year old?
Katelynn: Nobody's gonna fuck me in my ass!
Mrs. Zales: That's right, Katelynn, and what we do if we someone tries to?
Katelynn Zales: Fuck 'em right back!
Mrs. Zales: Oh, sounds like somebody's been paying attention when they watch Shark Tank with Mommy!
Katelynn Zales: I like Mr. Wonderful!
Mrs. Zales: Mackenzie, what's the wi-fi password in here?
Mackenzie: I just got here too, How the fuck would I know that?
Mrs. Zales: You know what, Mackenzie. I just want to have a nice day where we get together as a family—(phone rings) Hold on I gotta take this.
Mackenzie: C'mon Katelynn. (they leave)
Alex: Excuse me, is this the judge's table?
Cameron: Why yes it is, and I give you a 9 out of 10! Okay, now do me!
Alex: Oh, um, 10?
Cameron: That's not what I meant, but thank you.
Patricia: Oh good Alex, you're here. Well since we're all here, might as well introduce ourselves. I'm Patricia Wetherly, I'm the chair of the Little Miss Overland Park Pageant, and when I'm not doing that, well, I own sixteen Supercuts franchises throughout Kansas and Oklahoma. Alex?
Alex: Well, my name's Alex Abrams. I own a store in the Oak Park Mall.
Cameron: Oh really? Which one?
Alex: Apricot Lane.
Cameron: Oh, I stole a top from there once—I mean, I own a top from there. That I bought legally once.
Alex: Alright, well, I own several prominent businesses throughout the Overland Park area.
Cameron: Oh, you guys don't who I am? That's a first! Cameron Van Buren. Alumni judge—I won this competition when I was in the third grade, along with a number of other competitions, you know, proms, homecomings, what have yous. I'm currently in a shit-ton of sororities and I'm in the market for a thirty-three year old boyfriend. So... boop.
Shay: Okay Mikayla, you're all ready, now don't get your dirty sticky fingers on your dress. There's Brooklyn Katchadorian—go play with her and—try not to light anything on fire.
Mikayla: Hey Brooklyn.
Brooklyn: Hey Mikayla.
Mikayla: I like your dress.
Brooklyn: Oh, thanks. My mom made it.
Mikayla: Oh, where is your mom?
Brooklyn: Well, my sister's been really depressed lately, so my mom decided to stay home with her instead. Where's your Mom?
Mikayla: Oh she's over there. She's going through withdrawals.
Mrs. Zales: No no no, listen to me Frank. Listen. Reach down and grab your dick. You got it? You got it on your hand? Now what's underneath that? It should be a nice big juicy set of balls. And if they're not there, you need to fucking grow a pair and get this done!
Jayna: Ah, nothing like a little mid-afternoon phone sex. Ah cha-cha!
Mrs. Zales: I'm sorry, Jayna, what were you saying?
Jayna: Oh, I just, my throat, it's just a bit, you wouldn't happen to have maybe kind of maybe a bottle of water, so parched, very parchy or perhaps a fifth of vodka in your purse, would you? Maybe a dry martini, maybe, you know?... have a shaker?
Mrs. Zales: No, Jayna. First off, I don't drink anything but ten-year old scotch. And secondly, I wouldn't bring alcohol to my child's event! I want to be present, I want to be here for my family, do you think there's a fax machine here?
Jayna: I totally know what you mean, these are the precious moments our children will remember forever, blaahdy, blaahdy, blahh—would you like an adderall?
Mrs. Zales: What the fuck is the wi-fi password?
Jayna: Better make it three.
Shay: Well, well, well, Mackenzie Zales, here to crush the dreams of some nine-year olds before they can rise up and dethrone you?
Mackenzie: Shay Van Buren, I can't believe they let you in here without a hazmat suit.
Shay: So is your sister competing in Little Miss Overland Park too?
Mackenzie: No, she's not old enough. She's in Little Miss Overland Park Tots.
Katelynn: Hey guys! This makeup tastes like old candy!
Peeing Girl: I'm peeing! I'm peeing!
Mackenzie: It's a lot less competitive.
Mikayla: Wow Brooklyn, your baton twirling's really gotten a lot better!
Brooklyn: Thanks Mikayla! I worked really hard on my routine. Oh, hi!
Mikayla: Who the fuck are you?
Gwen: Hi, I'm Gwen. My family just moved here from Brooklyn.
Brooklyn: Oh, Brooklyn? That's my name!
Mikayla: Why aren't you wearing a pageant dress?
Gwen: Well, I'm not really one for dressing up, per-se. I kind of just you know, let the clothes pick me, you know. And today, these are the clothes that chose me.
Mikayla: Well, that's fucking stupid. What's your talent?
Gwen: Oh, well, I wouldn't really say that I'm really talented per se. I just you know—
Announcer: (over PA) And next up, we have Mikayla Dickey!
Mikayla: Never mind! Biye!
Announcer: (over PA) Mikayla Dickey is a third grader at Meadow Lane Elementary. Her interests include coloring, hopscotch, and Napoleonic battle strategies. Her favorite books are Goodnight Moon and The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
Cameron: I tell you what, this Mikayla Dickey looks like a surefire winner.
Patricia: Well, we should probably wait to see her talent, along with all the other contestants.
Alex: Yeah, I mean, she seems pretty adorable. I just, I really want to be wowed. You know, I want something that really impresses me.
Cameron: Well, if you want to be impressed, why don't we go over by that janitor's closet over there, huh? Huh? Huh? ...Huh? Yeeah? huh?
Mikayla: For my talent, I will be reciting a monologue made famous by Quvenzhané Wallis in the Oscar-nominated film, Beasts of the Southern Wild.
Jayna: Whoo-hoo! Go Mikayla!
Mrs. Zales: Why are these keys so small? Jayna, are you sure those pills we took were Adderrall?
Jayna: Of course I'm sure. The only other pills I have in there are Vicodin—Oh, they're Vicodin.
Mrs. Zales: I just can't press these buttons. Let me try your hand. Give me your hand.
Mikayla: I hope you die, and after you die I'll go to your grave and eat birthday cake all by myself. My name is Mikayla Dickey!
Shay: Alright, good job Mikayla!
Mackenzie: Wow, your sister's like a tiny little Hannibal Lecter.
Cameron: Well, that seals it for me. Might as well just hand her the trophy right now.
Cameron: Whoops, that's not a trophy, that's your penis.
Mikayla: Top that biatch!
Announcer: (over PA) Coming to the stage now is Gwen Kindle. Gwen just moved to Overland Park from the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn. She enjoys artisanal coffee, photography, and working on her fixed-gear bike.
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus Christ, since when did they start letting homeless kids into these pageants?
Shay: Well, at least my sister won't have to worry about her.
Cameron: Jesus fucking Christ, did someone step in shit or is that the next contestant? Someone call Child Services.
Alex: I don't know, I like it. This girl really seems to know who she is and she's not afraid to be that.
Patricia: Yeah, I've got to say, the fact that she really doesn't seem to care really makes me want to care... about her!
Gwen: I don't really think that a person's talent should matter so much as people sharing what they have with one another. So with that in mind, I'm going to show you all how to prepare a vegan meatball sandwich using only raw, organic ingredients.
Cameron: So, wait, this bitch is just gonna make a salad?
Alex: I like it, she cares more about other people more than she cares about herself.
Patricia: I would love to get a hold of this girl's iPod! I could really learn some things.
Mackenzie: Well, it looks like your sister's got this one in the bag.
Shay: Yeah, and it looks like your sister is actually in a bag.
Katelynn: (Katelynn runs around yelling with a bag on her head and bonks right into a dresser) Owwwww... (walks away)
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus, let's go find our moms and get ready to go.
Jayna: So, then I tell him, "Carlos, trim the hedges, don't murder them."
(Jayna and Mrs. Zales laugh)
Mrs. Zales: Oh my god that's so funny! (laughs)
Shay: C'mon Mom, we're leaving, let's get ready to go.
Mikayla: Wait, not until I get my trophy!
Announcer: (over PA) And this year's Little Miss Overland Park is... Gwen Kindle!
Shay and Mikayla: What the fuck!
Mackenzie: Ha! Suck it hard!
Mackenzie: What the fuck Cameron?
Cameron: I got outvoted! They all had a boner for that fucking weird little girl.
Shay: With the fucking vegetables?
Cameron: Yeah, the one that looks like Morrisey's birth child, I don't know what the fuck they were talking about that little bitch is like the most uncool girl that I've seen in my life. And I went to a Zeta party once.
Mackenzie: Wait wait wait, did you just say they thought she was cool because she was uncool?
Cameron: Yeah, that's what I just said. Did you get hit in the face with a fucking hacky sack too? What the fuck is happening to my... I need a dick so bad. Where's Dicks?
Jenna Darabond: (flashback) What is cool will be uncool. the things that nobody likes will be the things that everybody wants.
Mackenzie: Mom, we need to go.
Mrs. Zales: Hold on, just let me find my feet.
Mackenzie: Mom, are you drunk?
Mrs. Zales: No, I'm stoned. And this chick is hilarious!
Jayna: Hey now!
(Jayna and Mrs. Zales high five)
Mrs. Zales: Back to school night is gonna be the shit!