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This is a transcribed copy of Episode 74. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 73 Next: Episode 75

Random passerby: Bonjour!
Jayna: Ah Paris! The most romantic city in the world! You know, Shay, this is where I met your father.
Shay: I thought you met Dad when you were working at a Hooter's.
Jayna: You know, Cameron, this is where I met your father. That's what it was.
Cameron: Wait, my dad was French?
Jayna: Oh no, he was an American high school teacher who was here chaperoning some students on their trip to France.
Cameron: Oh. What were you doing here?
Jayna: I was on a trip to France with my high school.
Shay: Jesus, Mom!
Cameron: Ah, so that's where I get my attraction to older, more mature men.
Shay: Huh, interesting, Cameron, I always thought it was because you like old dick.
Cameron: Don't be jealous, Shay, just because the only guy who'd ever want to fuck you is fucking Gil Portsmith.
Shay: Who?
Cameron: Gil. You know, creepy Gil from down the street.
Shay: I don't know who you're talking about, Cameron.
Cameron: Ugh, fucking Gil! Our neighbor! You know, fucking Gil! He's always out there like mowing his dead lawn, pushing dirt around with his fucking wooden leg.
Shay: He has a wooden leg?!
Mikayla: Gil! Creepy Gil! He's got the eye patch, you know, even though he's not missing an eye. And half of his head is shaved cuz of that brain surgery.
Shay: Eww.
Cameron: You don't remember when his wife died and he didn't call the police for like five fucking days? I mean he just left her there. And then everyone started calling him Murdering Gil.
Mikayla: You don't remember The Giller?
Shay: Oh, is he the guy that has that orange tree?
Cameron: Yeah, I guess.
Shay: Oh, yeah! That guy's gross.
Cameron: Yeah, that's why I said that.
Shay: Said what?
Cameron: Why I said that the only person that would fuck you is fucking Gil!
Shay: Oooooh! Yeah, Okay. Wow, Cameron, great joke.
Cameron: Fuck you, Shay.
Jayna: Now, girls, let's try to be civil for a moment here.
(Deandra, Brittnay, and Mackenzie appear)
Brittnay: Yeah, cunts like you are the reason why people here hate Americans.
Shay: What the fuck are you three doing here?
Mikayla: Yeah, beat it, Optimus Prime.
Deandra: Oh, the little one is out, how cute! (Splashes water on Mikayla) Phyah!
Mikayla: Ah! Goddamit! what the fuck?!
Deandra: Hm, does not like water. Peculiar for somebody who claims to not be a mogwai.
Shay: The fuck do you guys want?
Mackenzie: Look, ugh, we need help. We're representing Team USA at the Loreal International Junior Modeling Tournament and we need one more person on our team.
Shay: Well, well, here we are again, Mackenzie Zales. Once again, you've come to Shay Van Buren hoping she'll save the day. Well, what are you offering in exchange for-
Mackenzie: Shay, what the fuck are you talking about?
Shay: What?
Mackenzie: We're not asking you to join. We're asking Cameron.
Cameron: Me?
Shay: Her?
Mackenzie: You're under 21, so you're eligible to compete.
Brittnay: And lucky for you, you're only the second ugliest Van Buren.
Cameron: Wow, Brittnay, that is really big of you. Not quite as big as those swollen floppy lips you call a vagina, but you know.
Mackenzie: (laughing) Oh my god! Shay! You thought we were here to ask you to be a model?!
(Deandra, Brittnay, and Mackenzie laugh)
Mackenzie: We need models, not fleshlights with teeth!
Brittnay: Hahaha! Oh my God, the look on your face! Hahaha! "Well, well, well, Mackenzie Zales!"
(All three laugh again; Cameron joins in as well)
Cameron: She even looked more pathetic than Gil Portsmith.
(they all laugh at Shay and leave)
Deandra: (offscreen) Haha, that fucking one-legged freak. Fucking Gil! (laughs; Mackenzie joins)
Shay: What the fuck?!
Mikayla: Don't worry, Shay, you and I can have our own French vacation together. (Shay splashes water on her) Ah, goddammit!
Jeannie: So, this is the new Team USA.
Mackenzie: We got every single attractive American we knew in France.
Brittnay: And Cameron, we got Cameron, too.
Cameron: Fuck you.
Brittnay: You wish, muff-lover.
Jeannie: Enough. Well, Lord knows we've got our work cut out for us. (to Blaine) You, What is your modeling specialty?
Blaine: Um... um... Blaine.
Jeannie: What?
Blaine: I am Blaine.
Mackenzie: Maybe we should start with somebody else.
Jeannie: (To Than) Okay, you. What's your specialty?
Than: Oh, um, hm... I think I'm gonna have to go with-
Tanner: Don't say your dick, don't say your dick, don't say your dick-
Than: My dick.
Tanner: Ugh, there it is.
Jeannie: Your dick?
Than: Yes, that's correct. Although, I should preface that by stating for the record that I am a grow-er not a show-er, but if you'll just give me a second here-
Jeannie: Do not take your dick out of your pants right now!
Than: Uh, ok, but it's gonna be a lot harder to show you my specialty if it's inside my pants. (chuckles) Jesus, who brought this fucking idiot, right?
Blaine: I am Blaine.
Than: Yeah, I know who you are Blaine.
Blaine: Sorry, I just get really nervous around powerful women.
Jeannie: Ok, how many of you have any modeling experience whatsoever?
(Mackenzie and Cameron raise their hands)
Brittnay: Cameron, amateur porn doesn't count.
Cameron: Ha ha Brittnay. (Beat) It totally counts.
Jeannie: Ok, listen up dipshits, the 11 of you are now the US modeling team. And you are all about to begin competing in the most prestigious international junior modeling competition in the entire world. So let me explain to you blank-faced cocksuckers how this works: The competition is broken up into five preliminary categories: Hand Modeling, Swimsuit, Photoshoot, Couture and Promo Modeling. Every team will have one male and one female model compete in each category, and no model may compete in more than one category. The best model in each category will score points for their team, and the teams with the three highest scores will meet in the final round runway walk-off. And that’s all gonna come down to one single skill: Which one of you is the baddest bitch on the catwalk? Now let me show you twats how this is done. Music! (starts walking)
Mackenzie: (watching her) Wow, she's amazing!
Jeannie: Now, remember! Confidence! You are a sexy bitch! (To Trisha 2) Ok, you! Go!
Trisha 2: Ok, remember, confidence. (Starts walking) You are a sexy- (falls off the runway) whaaa! (CRASH!) I forgot to turn!
Jeannie: Ugh. Ok next!
(Trisha's turn)
Mackenzie: Trisha, don't forget to turn!
Trisha: And turning...
Jeannie: Ok, this girl's not bad.
Trisha: ANd turning...
Mackenzie: Trisha! What are you doing?!
Trisha: I can't stop. Help! I'm too nervous! And turning...
Brittnay, Mackenzie, Deandra, and Matthew: Trisha, stop!
Trisha: I can't! Ah! And turning!
Deandra: Don't worry, I got this.
Trisha: (Trips over Deandra's robot arm) Ah! (falls on the floor) Ow!
(both Trishas are on the floor)
Trisha 2: How'd you do?
Trisha: Pretty good I think.
Jeannie: (screams) Next!
(Cameron's turn; she walks the runway, then shows one of her boobs as she turns)
Jeannie: Alright, not bad! Could've done without the nip slip though.
Cameron: I thought it added some color.
Brittnay: I think it added a little hair too.
Cameron: Fuck you, Brittnay!
Jeannie: Ok, next!
(Brittnay starts walking; as she walks, the music begins to stop)
Mackenzie: Oh my god.
Jeannie: What the fuck was that?! That was fucking awful!
Brittnay: What? I did just like everybody else!
Jeannie: Yeah, if everybody else walked like a baby giraffe trying to lick its own asshole.
Cameron: HA! Holy shit Brittnay, who taught you to walk? The son from Breaking Bad?
Deandra: Jesus Christ Cameron, that guy actually has cerebral palsy.
Cameron: Yeah, and it makes him walk funny. That's the fucking joke.
Brittnay: Was I really that bad?
Mackenzie: Yeah, it was pretty terrible.
Jeannie: Alright, Mackenzie, let's try to improve on that. (Mackenzie walks the runway) Hm, ok.
Brittnay: The fuck was the difference?!
Jeannie: Ok, ok that's it. I don't need to see any more auditions. Mackenzie, you are the captain of this team, and you will be walking our final runway walk.
Cameron: I'm out.
Jeannie: What?!
Cameron: Yeah, if you think that I’m gonna be on a team captained by Mackenzie Zales, then you can eat my little butt.
Jeannie: (walks in front of Cameron) Excuse, me. It's--Cameron, right?
Cameron: Yeah, Cameron Van Buren.
Jeannie: Well, listen, Cameron. I'm sure whatever issue you have with Mackenzie Zales is real fucking important, but the winners of this competition are all going to receive professional modeling contracts. That means photoshoots in New York, apartments in London, and vacations in Milan. Now if you wanna go back to the University of Bum-Fuck-Who-Gives-A-Shit and spend your time getting the shocker from some poli-sci professor, you go right ahead. But I suggest you stay here, where you can put that ass and those tits to better use than target practice for some fraternity basement gangbang.
Cameron: (stammers) Well, after some thought, I think that I will stay. Um, but I will have you know, that I actually enjoy the shocker.
Jeannie: Nobody enjoys the shocker.
Cameron: ...No. (sighs) No they don't.
Jeannie: Everyone, get some rest tonight. Tomorrow, I'm gonna teach you bitches, how to model your asses off.

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